A friend asked me a question last night. He asked, “In your mind, does it feel like if someone didn’t live the law of chastity that you’re sharing that person with someone else?” I said that I believe the Atonement and Repentance is cleansing and that if God can forgive and forget then so can we. My friend seemed to disagree. I went to bed angry and hurt that people can actually be so pompous. This morning we started talking about it again because I told him his words hurt my feelings and he said “for me though, I can know like you said that they are pure and clean again but I have to be shown. I really worry about disease and not being the only love in their life. That act makes a bond between people and I don’t want to have to share the love of my life. But I can be shown that I am the only one.” As much as I tried to end the conversation or show how blatantly uncomfortable I was with his opinion, he just went on and on and on. He kept saying things about "the woman's flower" being gone and the fear of her comparing him about past partners and yada yada yada. So then I asked what he'll do someday if he finds out that the girl he's is dating is not a virgin. Will he leave her? Dump her? Call her a slut? What if she was raped? Or married and divorced? Know what his answer was? "I'll have to work through it first. Plus she'll have to show me that that isn't how she is. It really will be a lot of showing. I know it happens a lot in these sin filled days". Maybe I am just over-reacting... every time we talk... but good grief does he seem self-righteous in everything he says! At the end of our conversation (or as close to the end as I can get it) he says, "I'm sorry I make you think poorly about yourself. I never intended such a thing". I never said I felt poorly about myself. Ever.
So now I wonder... how many guys have the same opinion as my friend? How many cannot let a girl forget her past even though that is the only thing she really wants? I can just imagine him on his wedding night, grilling his wife about previous partners. Ugh, what a way to start a relationship.
Am I way off the mark here, or am I justified in my anger and disappointment to someone so seemingly pompous, pretentious?
You are totally right and justified.
ReplyDeletePeople who think as he does are immature, inexperienced, and fail to understand the meaning of the atonement. Furthermore, I believe that such attitudes are at the very least selfish, if not sinful.
As you stated, there are all kinds of circumstances and situations in which a woman might lose her virginity, many of which are not sinful.
Even if there was a previous sin, as long as she has repented, he is required to accept that. If he chooses not to be with her because of it, that is his decision, but it isn't a very Christ-like decision.
Also, if she repents, his forgiveness isn't necessary, or even warranted. She didn't sin against him, so there is no need for him to extend any kind of forgiveness towards her. If he thinks otherwise, he truly is pompous.
Have you read Tess of the D'Urbervilles? That book describes a delicate situation.
Tess is raped and is treated as a sinner by everyone.
She meets the love of her life, and marries him.
On their wedding night he insists that they confess all their sins to each other.
He confesses that he has slept with other women before, but that was in his past.
She tells him about her rape, and he gets furious.
He believes that she is tainted and leaves her.
That behavior is hypocritical and infuriating.
Anyone who things that way is wrong, and a sinner themselves.
He has a very narrow minded way of thinking. People are complicated, very very complicated, and to treat people in such a simple manner is very simple minded of him.
ReplyDeleteI believe it's important for a couple to be married before having sex. Even so, a person who has sex outside of marriage, either by choice or by force, does, under no circumstances, make them a bad person.
It also means nothing in regards to their future relationships. There is no "sharing" a person with past sexual partners. That makes no sense.
The concept of virginity being like a flower is silly. Virginity is viewed differently in different cultures. In my cultures (LDS, NY...) I feel that too much importance is put on virginity. To put it one way, it's just sex.
Now, what IS bad (and even this could be argued) breaking a promise or trust. If I say I've never had sex, get married, and then inform my wife that I've had sex before, that's bad because I would have lied. Also, if promise to not have sex with anyone but my wife, and then proceed to have sex with someone other than my wife, that's bad because I would have broken my promise.
I also feel that I've learned a lot from the Japanese culture in regards to sex. If I understand correctly, most Japanese people do not relate sex with love. When I first heard that, it was a very foreign concept to me, but I think it's helped me grow.
Lastly, I think he needs to learn one of the principles from good old Steven R. Covey. Many people think of love as like an apple pie: if my wife loves another person then she will love me less. That's not how love works.
Instead, the more a person loves the more a person loves. In other words, if, for whatever reason, my wife loved another person, she could STILL love me "with all her heart".
The end. I'm not sure if I was coherent.
Just because I happen to know how this person is...I think that he should really read what these two guys have said. He's very narrow-minded about the concept and doesn't fully understand the atonement as much as he thinks he does. That's just sad that he thinks that way and I really hope he gets a rude awakening soon. I love you and please don't take what he said personal. You and I both know he's kind of a jerk sometimes and really needs to start taking people into account when he says something.
ReplyDeleteI believe that the Atonement can make it so that even if an individual isn't technically a "virgin", that individual is a "virgin" in the Lord's eyes. "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." In other words, it's as if that act never transpired and one can go forward with faith to the marriage altar knowing they can give to their chosen love their complete self 100% without remembering or thinking about "past" experiences. If your friend is dating someone and cannot look beyond someone's past experiences then he either needs to get to know the person better or just move on elsewhere. The girl he is dating should not feel obligated to continue a relationship with a guy who cannot (or will not try to) look beyond her past choices in life.
ReplyDeleteI thought people grew out of this view after high school. I've always felt like there is a double standard here because I've always heard it in regard to a woman's "flower" but there is no equivalent metaphor or even an equivalent question for men.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it implies that sex is the primary basis of a relationship. If he had known a real committed relationship, he would understand that it's a non-issue because the relationship is really built on trust (which makes the "am I really the love of your life even though I'm not your first lover?" question completely selfish and moot).
Clearly I have no strong feelings here. No, you're not being silly at all for being appalled. You were nicer to him about it than he deserved.